Thursday, October 31, 2013

Day 31: to a Great Marriage - Vow #3 'Til Death Do Us Part


Well, you made it! Day 31 is here and that means today is...

DAY 31: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #3 'Til Death Do Us Part

This final wedding vow: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward...'til death do us part.


To have (you are the one I will go through life with forever)
To hold (embrace & cling to every day of our lives)
From this day forward (beginning now) and until...
'Til Death Do Us Part


It's what we all want, right? "And they lived happily ever after." Of course, there are situations where wedding vows are broken and divorce happens. This was the case with my mother and father. Both of them came from very dysfunctional families. There was a lot of abuse that they both experienced, and they entered into their marriage both broken people. Mix that with two wars my father was part of, a very sick child (my older sister contracted encephalitis at the age of 2 and was hospitalized until her adult years), well...you get the picture.

But, real life situations like this and others, do not mean divorce is imminent. As a matter of fact, I agree with marriage expert, Jimmy Evans, author of "When Life Hurts" and "Lifelong Love Affair" at marriagetoday.com that anyone can have a marriage that gets better, no matter what life throws at them...if they will let God help them work through the pain. He says, we have to deal with pain the right way, and that left to our own devices we always deal with it in the wrong way.

Evans' insights into Untreated Wounds and Inner Vows are very good, and I believe that if my parents had had resources such as these there could have been a different outcome for them.


Marriage is the longest contractual agreement (commitment) we will ever make or have. And we can be successful in keeping it...'til death do us part'...with the right help from good, reliable sources such as I've included each day of our 31 Days to a Great Marriage together...and from God.


So, today set up a time to reaffirm your love vows to each other, in some way. You can make it a big affair, (some couples renew their vows on their anniversary), or it can be an intimate time with the two of you simply telling each other of your love for one another, again.

I hope you will use/revisit these 31 Days to a Great Marriage ideas and suggestions from 'this day forward.' If you've been with me throughout this time, you have seen the results and benefits...which can only continue to increase as you apply them to, and invest in, your marriage. If you do, I am confident that you will have a Great Marriage...that will last a lifetime.

Congratulations!

I'd love to hear from you about your journey via email @ sharon@changingworldviews.com.

Thanks for traveling on this journey with me (and Duane)  :)

 
 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Day 30: to a Great Marriage - Vow #2 For Richer for Poorer / In Sickness & in Health


Only a couple of days to go on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!

As we said yesterday on Day 2
9 -- we're focusing on our Wedding Vows for the last few days, and that means today is...

DAY 30: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #2 For Richer for Poorer / In Sickness & in Health


Whether you recited traditional vows at your wedding, or your own vows, the next promise expresses: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward...for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.


Years of experiencial-knowledge have helped to hone the elements of traditional marriage vows, capturing the most important areas that will need a pledged commitment; which are reflected in most other wedding vows, too. And Finances and Health are two such areas.

To have (you are the one I will go through life with)
To hold (embrace & cling to in everything we go through)
From this day forward (everyday from now) including...
For Richer for Poorer / In Sickness & in Health



As we talked about on Day 22 - Agree on Finances -- Finances are at the top of the list of the causes for arguments and strain in a marriage. That's why your commitment... allegiance, fidelity, constancy, dedication, devotedness, faithfulness, loyalty, steadfastness... made on the day you said "I do," must be taken seriously when it comes to money (and health) -- throughout your marriage.


Very few have a continually easy road when it comes to finances, ie no worries about debt, paying the bills, etc. That means that finances will try both of you at some point, and to varying degrees, guaranteed. But, the more you structure your attitudes around your commitment, the smoother the ride will be.

If finances are an area of difficulty in your marriage, I suggest you go back over Day 22 and utilize the resource links listed there. Do whatever you need to do to get on the same page with your spouse in your finances; and that may include getting some professional financial help.


Sickness, prolonged, can put tremendous strain on a family and marriage. But, it can also be an opportunity to express your committed love (including attitude) in very tangible ways.

It always shocks (and grieves) me to hear of stories, for instance, of men who leave their wives when they are diagnosed with breast cancer. There's so much I could say about that, but won't, except that it makes the case that sickness tests commitment.


That's why our wedding, the whole event, leads to and centers around those few moments when we verbalize our commitment to each other before family, friends and God.... witnesses to our vows who will also be witnesses to our commitment.


So, today, individually and as a couple reflect on the above thoughts, and assess where your attitude and/or commitment may need refurbishing, (to make clean, bright, or fresh again; renovate).

And you might want to check out DaleandJena.com for their "Let's Get Real" marriage video resources and more. They even have Bible Studies for couples on really real issues.

So, that's it! See you tomorrow for Day 31!

 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Day 29: to a Great Marriage - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse



Okay only a couple of days to go on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!
And as we looked at on Day 28 -- we're going to focus on our Wedding Vows for the remaining days.

Today the focus is...


DAY 29: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse


No matter if you recited traditional vows at your wedding, or your own vows, the first promise to focus on is the one that expresses: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse.


I love the "to have and to hold" part & "from this day forward" as it relates to "for better or for worse."

To have (you are mine)
To hold (embrace, cling to)
From this day forward (beginning now and for forever)
For better or for worse (no matter what comes our way)

This is the test of commitment. Everyone can do 'for better'; but -- 'for worse'?

But, 'better or worse' is not the real focus. "I take you...to have and to hold...from this day forward," is the focus. These are the words that are the cemented foundation for all the words (vows) that follow.


It's like when I got my driver's license years ago. I decided ahead of time that every time I come to a red light I will stop. Period. That meant that I wouldn't have to decide every time I came to a red light whether I was going to stop or not. Decision already made.

It's the same with our wedding vows. Decision made ahead of time.

So, today, individually and as a couple reflect on the above, and assess whether your attitude and/or commitment needs refurbishing, (to make clean, bright, or fresh again; renovate).

As we talked about on Day 2: Check Your Feelings, if you find yourself weaker in your commitment, there's a reason or reasons. Today is the day to begin to look at them and then work on doing whatever you need to do to remedy the situation.

After all, this is part of the 'for better or for worse' vow you made. And it may take some time. That's okay! Refurbishing always takes some time...but the end result is worth it.

You might find Gary Smalley's ER4Love helpful.

Until tomorrow :)

Monday, October 28, 2013

Day 28: to a Great Marriage - Recall Your Vows


Well, here we are - the last week of this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!

How did Day 27 -- Look at Pictures Together, go? I bet you're still thinking about, or have the positive feelings about, looking at pictures together with your spouse. That's just one of the benefits :)

Today the focus is to...

DAY 28: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Recall Your Vows

Chances are good that you recited the traditional vows at your wedding, but there's also a good chance that you and your husband came up with your own vows. And for the remaining days of our 31 Days to a Great Marriage, it's time to focus on your vows you made.


Today, recall your wedding day and the vows you recited. Do you remember them? Can you say them from memory? Give it a try and then look at them (ie below) and if you wrote your own vows then find them and read them together. And let the conversation flow naturally.

Basic Traditional wedding vows:
I ___________________ take you, _______________to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, for as long as we both shall live.

This is a good day to get out the pictures and videos of your wedding day and relive it together, too :)

That's it!

See you tomorrow,

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Day 27: to a Great Marriage - Look at Pictures Together


How did Day 26 -- Give Time, go? If that is your honey's Love Language, nothing communicates love to them like Quality Time.

Okay, for today the focus is...


DAY 27: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Look at Pictures Together

There's nothing like looking at pictures of the past to illicit fond memories, touch our hearts, and help us remember the positive times of our lives.


As a matter of fact, there's something called Therapeutic Photography; and research that shows that looking at pictures of puppies and kittens, for instance, can make you feel good and even work harder on the job!

So, how much more benefit to look at pictures of you and your loved ones! And looking at them together as a couple has increased benefits, and will make you feel good about your marriage, all over again!

One of the positive benefits of Facebook is that of posting pictures. I mean, think about it, what is it about it that you like? -- Finding out what your friends are up to, and looking at the pictures. Some new research claims that it can even improve your health.

As this article tells: "The (facebook) survey...found that people often use the social network to reminisce, using old photos and wall posts as a form of comfort. Looking back at older photos and wall posts was the main activity and the one that made them happiest. And Psychologist Dr. Clare Wilson, of the University of Portsmouth, who participated in the research said, 'The pictures we often post are reminders of a positive past event. When in the grip of a negative mood, it is too easy to forget how good we often feel. Our positive posts can remind us of this.'"

So, today, get out your pictures and look at them together with your spouse, especially those of your wedding and anniversary.

Now, this is what I call a real 'happy hour.' :)

That's it!


 

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Day 26: to a Great Marriage - Give Time




How did Day 25 go? -- Initiate Intimacy. It definitely communicates your love in big ways.

So, today's focus is...

DAY 26: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Give Time

Just as Giving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, so does giving Quality Time communicate love to your spouse, especially if that is their main Love Language. We talked about these on Day 7, Day 14, Day 23 and Day 24, and you can hear my interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages.


For some people, those with this love language, Quality Time makes them feel most loved.

Dr. Chapman at his website writes:
"Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention. For some people, quality time is their primary love language, and if you don’t give them quality time, they will not feel loved. Is it possible that your spouse’s primary love language is quality time?
Listen for Clues
Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. One medicine does not cure all diseases. Just as one love language does not communicate emotionally to all people. If you give your spouse affirming words; If you express love by acts of service; If you touch them affectionately; and they still complain, “You don’t ever have time for me. We used to do things together. Now you are always too busy or too tired,” they are telling you that their primary love language is quality time.
 
Tips for Keeping the Love Tank Full
"I want to conclude by giving you four tips on how to have a quality conversation with your spouse:
1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.
3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
4. Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”
Such active listening will fill the love tank of the person whose primary love language is quality time.
 

So, today Give the Gift of Time. That's it!

And I'll see you tomorrow,

 

Friday, October 25, 2013

Day 25: to a Great Marriage - Initiate Intimacy














Hi everyone!

How did Day 24 -- Give Gifts, go? Bet he was pleasantly surprised. Who doesn't like a surprise!

Okay, so today's focus is...

DAY 25: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Initiate Intimacy

One way to make your husband feel loved is to initiate intimacy. Yes, they are usually the pursuer, but they like to be pursued as well. ** It communicates in big ways, and if you are looking for new ideas, The Happy Wives Club has some.

So today (tonight), Initiate Intimacy with your husband! Just think of it as a good investment in your marriage.

That's it!



**For wives who may have some issues with sexual intimacy, you are not alone, many women do, especially if they have been violated in the past; have had a skewed idea about sex upbringing, etc. In that case here are some good resources to help you, find healing and liberty in this area with your husband. It is a gift from God to be enjoyed; and that is a vital part of having a great marriage.

1. Women & Intimacy - Dr. James Dobson
2. Intimate Issues
3. Authentic Intimacy
4. American Association of Christian Counselors

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Day 24: to a Great Marriage - Give Gifts


Hi everyone!

How did Day 23 -- Touch, go? Keep it up, because the results are nothing but good, even if doing it more is awkward at first.

Today's focus is...

DAY 24: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Give Gifts

Following on the theme of the 5 Love Languages we talked about on Day 7, Day 14 and yesterday, and you can hear my interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages....today the focus is on Giving Gifts.


For some people, those with this love language, receiving gifts makes them feel most loved.

Let's stop here for a minute and think about what we've been talking about regarding the love languages in case you haven't read the book(s). In a nut shell, for a myriad of reasons each individual 'feels' most loved by expressions of love that 'speak their love language.' It could be that his family 'spoke' that language to him; or it could be that they didn't in which case there is a deficit...which you can be a part of filling. Whatever the reason(s), what's most important is that you learn your spouse's love language and speak it to them, often.

Dr. Chapman goes into great detail on why and how it all works, and I highly recommend reading his books on the subject, or listening to his podcasts on it, or getting his DVDs.

So, today give your hubby a gift...something he would like, big or small. And include a note, "For no reason other than I love you."

Whether Receiving Gifts is his love language or not, the results can't be anything but good :)

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Day 23: to a Great Marriage - Touch


Hi everyone!

How did Day 22 -- Agree on Finances? I know this isn't something you can do in a day...but yesterday was the day to start looking at how your can come together more in this HUGE area of life...finances>

Today the focus is on...

DAY 23: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Touch

As we talked about the 5 Love Languages on Day 7 and Day 14 and that it was my privilege to interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages...

Another one of the 5 Love Languages is to touch or be affectionate. Believe it or not, men like (non-sexual) affection, too, even if they are not necessarily good at initiating it.


According to Dr. Gary Chapman, physical touch is only one of the five ways people communicate and receive emotional love, and some people speak it more loudly than others.















And if your husband's love language is affection - nothing speaks more deeply to him than appropriate touch.

Check out "Don't Allow Touch Deprivation Creep into Your Marriage" - here's little from the article...

"Nonsexual touch is extremely important. Even men need to be hugged, kissed and enjoyed physically by their wives. Did you grow up without any of your physical intimacy needs being met? Many people do. If so, you may have a deficit in the area of physical touch, as well as a skewed perception of the value of physical touch."
 
And as E.E. Kane at LifeScript writes about this:
"The importance of physical touch in marriage may also play a medicinal role, since touch has been shown to reduce stress and relieve pain. A healthy relationship, which includes physical contact between a husband and wife, can be the most bonding, emotionally intimate experience in life.
"They will not continue to ask for physical touch, or make an effort, if they know there is a good chance of being turned away, or even made to feel ashamed of their efforts. No husband likes to be called a pervert, and no woman likes to be thought of as desperate or clingy.
"This little scenario puts the marriage on slippery ice. If one spouse has a huge need for affection, but he or she is not getting it from the other spouse, where will he turn? He might get some affection from children, family, or friends, but his emotional “love tank” (Dr. Chapman’s term) will not be filled. Without physical touch, that spouse is then extremely vulnerable to falling for someone else who will meet his needs."  READ THE REST
So, beginning today make a conscience effort to touch and be more affectionate with your husband on a regular basis. There's so many good reasons to do so!


 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Day 22: to a Great Marriage - Agree on Finances

I know, I know...finances, ugh! Who likes to budget? Who wants to create a budget? Or really...who likes to stay on a budget? Very few of us, right?

Oh, we may love starting off with a resolve to watch what we spend, to use wisdom rather than impulse, but like dieting, it's hard to stay with it....however, not impossible.

Therefore, since finances are the #1 thing that couples fight over...we need to include this in our 31 Days to a Great Marriage, right? right :)

But first, how did Day 21 -- Assess Where You're At go? This step is one you'll want to revisit often. Once a month would be ideal.

Okay, back to today...

DAY 22: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Agree on Finances
This may be an area that you and your husband have down pat, and you deserve kudos for that! But, maybe you are a couple that struggles, not just to pay the bills, but to discipline yourselves to stay within your means, whether you budget is written down or not.  

Over the years Duane and I have gone to seminars on budgeting; we've consulted a financial planner; we've made out our will and updated it (more on that another Day); and have even taught and written about family finances. But, here are a few resources by others that I'd like to recommend to help you in this area:

1. Dave Ramsey - lots of really good advice and resources
2. Crown Finances - established by Larry Burkett

3. Follow the Money with Jerry Robinson (I've had him on my radio show several times)
4. The SavyDuo - just found this site, looks good

So today, begin to address your finances together, utilizing the above resources if needed. It may take several months to get into agreement, because finances can be a tension-raiser, but stick with it, work toward it, using the things you've learned about communicating in respectful and loving ways.

That's it for today!

See you tomorrow.


Monday, October 21, 2013

Day 21: to a Great Marriage - Assess Where You're At


Congratulations! You've made it through 3 weeks, and that's fantastic!  There's a long held principle that 21 Days of doing anything creates a new habit or change. But more on that in a minute.

How did Day 20 -- Pray Together go? I hope you took a little time to read some of the articles and resources available on this subject, whether praying together is already something you do, or not. Good stuff.

Okay, for today...

DAY 21: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Assess Where You're At

There's some controversy over the 'science' of sticking to a new goal for 21 days to gain a new habit or changed behavior. It started probably in the '70's with the book, "Psycho-Cybernetics."

But, whether it takes 21 days or 31 days or 101 days or longer, this is true -- when you stay with a goal; when you continue to invest in the things you value -- change does occur.

There's even an App to help you track and encourage you in your resolve. Check out HabitForge :)

You know that whether it's a diet you're on or a fitness program you've started, or any other 'new thing' you are putting into practice, that assessing how you are doing/where you are at is an important part in realizing success in the endeavor. And that is what today's suggestion is all about.

I have to admit it, I am a list person...it's the only way I can keep all the balls in the air. It helps me remove all the 'have to dos' from my brain and be free to give the attention I need to whatever is at hand.

So, today is the day to go over the list of the past 20 Days to see how you're doing, (you might want to print it out) over a cup of coffee or tea (mine is a Chai Latte), and assess how you've done. Check off the things you've done; highlight the things you haven't done yet; and then resolve to do those today, or if there are several, this week, to catch up.

No worries where you are at...today is a new day and a fresh opportunity to pick it up again. As Duane likes to remember me, when I need encouragement in continuing to press forward on a goal like dieting or fitness, "It's not where you've been, it's where you're going, that counts."

You've been investing in your marriage over the past 3 weeks, and anything that you've done to plant good things will bear fruit.

That's it! Assess and press on! :)

And I'll see you tomorrow.


Sunday, October 20, 2013

Day 20: to a Great Marriage - Pray Together


How did Day 19 -- Dream Together go? That's something I hope you never stop doing.

Okay, for today...

DAY 20: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Pray Together

As we talked about on Day 13 worshipping together is a good thing to do for your marriage, as the stats show. And as the saying goes, "Life will keep you on your toes, and on your knees!" So today's suggestion is to pray together.

There is nothing like getting to know the inner-most heart of your spouse through praying together. You learn what is of concern to him, how he intimately relates to God personally, and more. Prayer is powerful in so many ways.

If this is a new thing to you as a couple, no worries, it may take a little time to get doing it together, especially if one or both of you are 'private' personalities. But, I highly recommend to do it and keep on doing it, and it won't take long before you both are comfortable with it. Trust me on this.


Now, if your spouse does not embrace the idea, don't push it. Instead, set aside time to pray for your spouse and your marriage. And try again later.

That's it! And here are a few reasons and resources you might like to check out on making prayer a part of your marriage.

1. How do We Pray Together? Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family
2. The Five Benefits of Praying Together: Laced by Grace -- Strengthens the Bond of Marriage; Encourages Unity; Promotes Emotional Intimacy; Invites God into your Marriage; Prayer Changes Marriage.
3. What Happens When Couples Pray Together: We've Never Prayed Together Before; I Suck at Praying; What Marital Prayer is.

4. Who Me, Pray? ...with Her?: Why Bother, Where do We Start? and more.

Prayer also gets you through the storms of life.

Many couples have found benefits of praying together. Here's a picture of a young Marine praying with his bride before the wedding ceremony. It went viral on the internet, and you can read the story here.

There are stats that show that 'the couple that prays together, stays together,' and are happier, thus is part of 31 Days to a Great Marriage.

Remember, praying is not complicated, it's just talking to God.

 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Day 19: to a Great Marriage - Dream Together


Hi! 

So what did you do for Day 18 -- Do Something New? After hopefully having a fun and relaxing time together, the stage is set for today's suggestion which is to...

DAY 19: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Dream Together - If you and your husband were like Duane and I when we were first married, you loved to dream together about the future. Remember? Maybe you still do, and that's fantastic! But if you are like most couples the dreaming fades into the rigors and realities of every day life. But it doesn't have to!


Here's just a few things that dreaming together can do for a couple...

1. Just as dreaming together was part of the 'woo' in the beginning of your relationship, to find out that you had the same interests, values and goals; dreaming is part of the 'glue' that helps hold your marriage together by working together toward common goals.

2. Dreaming gives purpose to everyday life.

3. It helps you 'enter' into each other's dreams - it knits your hearts together. See more on this at Women Living Well.

4. It helps keep the 'wonder' alive in a marriage. See My Dreams, Your Dreams, Our Dreams.

5. No matter what your age, dreaming should never stop, and it is never too late to dream together again. It helps keep you and your relationship young and forward looking. Marriage in Retirement has some good things on that.

So, today...set aside time to dream together. And if you want a little help with 'how' see the Women Living Well link in #3.

That's it!

Sweet Dreams :)