Hi everyone,Nesting Place held its "31 Days" challenge, and my contribution was "31 Days to a Great Marriage," and I'd like to share it with you.

After many years (50 to be exact) of marriage my husband, Duane and I, have learned a few things about what can not only make marriage a life-long blessing, but help a husband and wife get through some of the greatest challenges, greatest adventures, greatest heartaches, and just plain life experiences we all go through, and have them work together for good. This has been the case for us, and hopefully, what we've learned can bless your marriage.

So, begin here...

Index to 31 Days to a Great Marriage, for free.





 

How 31 Days to a Great Marriage Works

How  31 Days to a Great Marriage works...

As you will note, the last post is Day 31, therefore to begin at the beginning (each day builds on the other) here is how to use this site as a resource to help your marriage become Great or Greater!


1. Start at the Index page using the tab above, which lists each Day by Title, and begin with Day 1.

2. Then follow along one day at a time.

3. Do the suggested 'activities'.

That's it!


Congratulations on being intentional on building your marriage!

P.S. In case you are wondering about who I am, here's a brief bio: I'm a wife, mother and now grandmother; I'm a radio talk show host and founder of The Center for Changing Worldviews, which works to educate on the cultural changes happening in our world that are tearing down the family, faith and our nation. I believe women have a very vital role to play in making a difference, and I love working with and encouraging women in their efforts. This site is obviously geared to strengthen marriages, which will strengthen families and ultimately nations. So enjoy and let me know what you  think.


 

Day 29: to a Great Marriage - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse

Okay only a couple of days to go on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!
And as we looked at on Day 28 -- we're going to focus on our Wedding Vows for the remaining days.

Today the focus is...

DAY 29: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse

No matter if you recited traditional vows at your wedding, or your own vows, the first promise to focus on is the one that expresses: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse.

I love the "to have and to hold" part & "from this day forward" as it relates to "for better or for worse."

To have (you are mine)
To hold (embrace, cling to)
From this day forward (beginning now and for forever)
For better or for worse (no matter what comes our way)

This is the test of commitment. Everyone can do 'for better'; but -- 'for worse'?

But, 'better or worse' is not the real focus. "I take you...to have and to hold...from this day forward," is the focus. These are the words that are the cemented foundation for all the words (vows) that follow.

It's like when I got my driver's license years ago. I decided ahead of time that every time I come to a red light I will stop. Period. That meant that I wouldn't have to decide every time I came to a red light whether I was going to stop or not. Decision already made.

It's the same with our wedding vows. Decision made ahead of time.

So, today, individually and as a couple reflect on the above, and assess whether your attitude and/or commitment needs refurbishing, (to make clean, bright, or fresh again; renovate).

As we talked about on Day 2: Check Your Feelings, if you find yourself weaker in your commitment, there's a reason or reasons. Today is the day to begin to look at them and then work on doing whatever you need to do to remedy the situation.

After all, this is part of the 'for better or for worse' vow you made. And it may take some time. That's okay! Refurbishing always takes some time...but the end result is worth it.

You might find Gary Smalley's ER4Love helpful.

Until tomorrow :)

Day 28: to a Great Marriage - Recall Your Vows

Well, here we are - the last week of this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!

How did Day 27 -- Look at Pictures Together, go? I bet you're still thinking about, or have the positive feelings about, looking at pictures together with your spouse. That's just one of the benefits :)

Today the focus is to...

DAY 28: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Recall Your Vows
Chances are good that you recited the traditional vows at your wedding, but there's also a good chance that you and your husband came up with your own vows. And for the remaining days of our 31 Days to a Great Marriage, it's time to focus on your vows you made.

Today, recall your wedding day and the vows you recited. Do you remember them? Can you say them from memory? Give it a try and then look at them (ie below) and if you wrote your own vows then find them and read them together. And let the conversation flow naturally.

Basic Traditional wedding vows:
I ___________________ take you, _______________to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, for as long as we both shall live.

This is a good day to get out the pictures and videos of your wedding day and relive it together, too :)

That's it!

See you tomorrow,

Day 27: to a Great Marriage - Look at Pictures Together

How did Day 26 -- Give Time, go? If that is your honey's Love Language, nothing communicates love to them like Quality Time.

Okay, for today the focus is...

DAY 27: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Look at Pictures Together

There's nothing like looking at pictures of the past to illicit fond memories, touch our hearts, and help us remember the positive times of our lives.

As a matter of fact, there's something called Therapeutic Photography; and research that shows that looking at pictures of puppies and kittens, for instance, can make you feel good and even work harder on the job!

So, how much more benefit to look at pictures of you and your loved ones! And looking at them together as a couple has increased benefits, and will make you feel good about your marriage, all over again!

One of the positive benefits of Facebook is that of posting pictures. I mean, think about it, what is it about it that you like? -- Finding out what your friends are up to, and looking at the pictures. Some new research claims that it can even improve your health.

As this article tells: "The (facebook) survey...found that people often use the social network to reminisce, using old photos and wall posts as a form of comfort. Looking back at older photos and wall posts was the main activity and the one that made them happiest. And Psychologist Dr. Clare Wilson, of the University of Portsmouth, who participated in the research said, 'The pictures we often post are reminders of a positive past event. When in the grip of a negative mood, it is too easy to forget how good we often feel. Our positive posts can remind us of this.'"

So, today, get out your pictures and look at them together with your spouse, especially those of your wedding and anniversary.

Now, this is what I call a real 'happy hour.' :)

That's it!

 

Day 25: to a Great Marriage - Initiate Intimacy

Hi everyone!

How did Day 24 -- Give Gifts, go? Bet he was pleasantly surprised. Who doesn't like a surprise!

Okay, so today's focus is...

DAY 25: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Initiate Intimacy

One way to make your husband feel loved is to initiate intimacy. Yes, they are usually the pursuer, but they like to be pursued as well. ** It communicates in big ways, and if you are looking for new ideas, The Happy Wives Club has some.

So today (tonight), Initiate Intimacy with your husband! Just think of it as a good investment in your marriage.

That's it!

**For wives who may have some issues with sexual intimacy, you are not alone, many women do, especially if they have been violated in the past; have had a skewed idea about sex upbringing, etc. In that case here are some good resources to help you, find healing and liberty in this area with your husband. It is a gift from God to be enjoyed; and that is a vital part of having a great marriage.

1. Women & Intimacy - Dr. James Dobson
2. Intimate Issues
3. Authentic Intimacy
4. American Association of Christian Counselors

Day 23: to a Great Marriage - Touch

Hi everyone!

How did Day 22 -- Agree on Finances? I know this isn't something you can do in a day...but yesterday was the day to start looking at how your can come together more in this HUGE area of life...finances>

Today the focus is on...

DAY 23: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Touch

As we talked about the 5 Love Languages on Day 7 and Day 14 and that it was my privilege to interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages...

Another one of the 5 Love Languages is to touch or be affectionate. Believe it or not, men like (non-sexual) affection, too, even if they are not necessarily good at initiating it.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, physical touch is only one of the five ways people communicate and receive emotional love, and some people speak it more loudly than others.














And if your husband's love language is affection - nothing speaks more deeply to him than appropriate touch.

Check out "Don't Allow Touch Deprivation Creep into Your Marriage" - here's little from the article...

"Nonsexual touch is extremely important. Even men need to be hugged, kissed and enjoyed physically by their wives. Did you grow up without any of your physical intimacy needs being met? Many people do. If so, you may have a deficit in the area of physical touch, as well as a skewed perception of the value of physical touch."

 

And as E.E. Kane at LifeScript writes about this:

"The importance of physical touch in marriage may also play a medicinal role, since touch has been shown to reduce stress and relieve pain. A healthy relationship, which includes physical contact between a husband and wife, can be the most bonding, emotionally intimate experience in life.

"They will not continue to ask for physical touch, or make an effort, if they know there is a good chance of being turned away, or even made to feel ashamed of their efforts. No husband likes to be called a pervert, and no woman likes to be thought of as desperate or clingy.

"This little scenario puts the marriage on slippery ice. If one spouse has a huge need for affection, but he or she is not getting it from the other spouse, where will he turn? He might get some affection from children, family, or friends, but his emotional “love tank” (Dr. Chapman’s term) will not be filled. Without physical touch, that spouse is then extremely vulnerable to falling for someone else who will meet his needs."  READ THE REST

So, beginning today make a conscience effort to touch and be more affectionate with your husband on a regular basis. There's so many good reasons to do so!

 

Day 22: to a Great Marriage - Agree on Finances

I know, I know...finances, ugh! Who likes to budget? Who wants to create a budget? Or really...who likes to stay on a budget? Very few of us, right?

Oh, we may love starting off with a resolve to watch what we spend, to use wisdom rather than impulse, but like dieting, it's hard to stay with it....however, not impossible.

Therefore, since finances are the #1 thing that couples fight over...we need to include this in our 31 Days to a Great Marriage, right? right :)

But first, how did Day 21 -- Assess Where You're At go? This step is one you'll want to revisit often. Once a month would be ideal.

Okay, back to today...

DAY 22: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Agree on Finances
This may be an area that you and your husband have down pat, and you deserve kudos for that! But, maybe you are a couple that struggles, not just to pay the bills, but to discipline yourselves to stay within your means, whether you budget is written down or not.  

Over the years Duane and I have gone to seminars on budgeting; we've consulted a financial planner; we've made out our will and updated it (more on that another Day); and have even taught and written about family finances. But, here are a few resources by others that I'd like to recommend to help you in this area:

1. Dave Ramsey - lots of really good advice and resources
2. Crown Finances - established by Larry Burkett
3. Follow the Money with Jerry Robinson (I've had him on my radio show several times)
4. The SavyDuo - just found this site, looks good

So today, begin to address your finances together, utilizing the above resources if needed. It may take several months to get into agreement, because finances can be a tension-raiser, but stick with it, work toward it, using the things you've learned about communicating in respectful and loving ways.

That's it for today!

See you tomorrow.

Day 21: to a Great Marriage - Assess Where You're At

Congratulations! You've made it through 3 weeks, and that's fantastic!  There's a long held principle that 21 Days of doing anything creates a new habit or change. But more on that in a minute.

How did Day 20 -- Pray Together go? I hope you took a little time to read some of the articles and resources available on this subject, whether praying together is already something you do, or not. Good stuff.

Okay, for today...

DAY 21: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Assess Where You're At

There's some controversy over the 'science' of sticking to a new goal for 21 days to gain a new habit or changed behavior. It started probably in the '70's with the book, "Psycho-Cybernetics."

But, whether it takes 21 days or 31 days or 101 days or longer, this is true -- when you stay with a goal; when you continue to invest in the things you value -- change does occur.

There's even an App to help you track and encourage you in your resolve. Check out HabitForge :)

You know that whether it's a diet you're on or a fitness program you've started, or any other 'new thing' you are putting into practice, that assessing how you are doing/where you are at is an important part in realizing success in the endeavor. And that is what today's suggestion is all about.

I have to admit it, I am a list person...it's the only way I can keep all the balls in the air. It helps me remove all the 'have to dos' from my brain and be free to give the attention I need to whatever is at hand.

So, today is the day to go over the list of the past 20 Days to see how you're doing, (you might want to print it out) over a cup of coffee or tea (mine is a Chai Latte), and assess how you've done. Check off the things you've done; highlight the things you haven't done yet; and then resolve to do those today, or if there are several, this week, to catch up.

No worries where you are at...today is a new day and a fresh opportunity to pick it up again. As Duane likes to remember me, when I need encouragement in continuing to press forward on a goal like dieting or fitness, "It's not where you've been, it's where you're going, that counts."

You've been investing in your marriage over the past 3 weeks, and anything that you've done to plant good things will bear fruit.

That's it! Assess and press on! :)

And I'll see you tomorrow.

Day 20: to a Great Marriage - Pray Together

How did Day 19 -- Dream Together go? That's something I hope you never stop doing.

Okay, for today...

DAY 20: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Pray Together

As we talked about on Day 13 worshipping together is a good thing to do for your marriage, as the stats show. And as the saying goes, "Life will keep you on your toes, and on your knees!" So today's suggestion is to pray together.

There is nothing like getting to know the inner-most heart of your spouse through praying together. You learn what is of concern to him, how he intimately relates to God personally, and more. Prayer is powerful in so many ways.

If this is a new thing to you as a couple, no worries, it may take a little time to get doing it together, especially if one or both of you are 'private' personalities. But, I highly recommend to do it and keep on doing it, and it won't take long before you both are comfortable with it. Trust me on this.

Now, if your spouse does not embrace the idea, don't push it. Instead, set aside time to pray for your spouse and your marriage. And try again later.

That's it! And here are a few reasons and resources you might like to check out on making prayer a part of your marriage.

1. How do We Pray Together? Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family
2. The Five Benefits of Praying Together: Laced by Grace -- Strengthens the Bond of Marriage; Encourages Unity; Promotes Emotional Intimacy; Invites God into your Marriage; Prayer Changes Marriage.
3. What Happens When Couples Pray Together: We've Never Prayed Together Before; I Suck at Praying; What Marital Prayer is.
4. Who Me, Pray? ...with Her?: Why Bother, Where do We Start? and more.

Prayer also gets you through the storms of life.

Many couples have found benefits of praying together. Here's a picture of a young Marine praying with his bride before the wedding ceremony. It went viral on the internet, and you can read the story here.

There are stats that show that 'the couple that prays together, stays together,' and are happier, thus is part of 31 Days to a Great Marriage.

Remember, praying is not complicated, it's just talking to God.

 

Day 19: to a Great Marriage - Dream Together

Hi! 

So what did you do for Day 18 -- Do Something New? After hopefully having a fun and relaxing time together, the stage is set for today's suggestion which is to...

DAY 19: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Dream Together - If you and your husband were like Duane and I when we were first married, you loved to dream together about the future. Remember? Maybe you still do, and that's fantastic! But if you are like most couples the dreaming fades into the rigors and realities of every day life. But it doesn't have to!

Here's just a few things that dreaming together can do for a couple...

1. Just as dreaming together was part of the 'woo' in the beginning of your relationship, to find out that you had the same interests, values and goals; dreaming is part of the 'glue' that helps hold your marriage together by working together toward common goals.

2. Dreaming gives purpose to everyday life.

3. It helps you 'enter' into each other's dreams - it knits your hearts together. See more on this at Women Living Well.

4. It helps keep the 'wonder' alive in a marriage. See My Dreams, Your Dreams, Our Dreams.

5. No matter what your age, dreaming should never stop, and it is never too late to dream together again. It helps keep you and your relationship young and forward looking. Marriage in Retirement has some good things on that.

So, today...set aside time to dream together. And if you want a little help with 'how' see the Women Living Well link in #3.

That's it!

Sweet Dreams :)

 

Day 15: to a Great Marriage - Find the Happy Spot!

Well, how did you do yesterday with Day 14 -- Use Affirming Words? It is probably one of the best things you can do not just for your marriage, but for your life!

Okay, today's suggestion for a Great Marriage is to...

DAY 15: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Find the Happy Spot!

“For the two of us, home isn’t a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.” ―Stephanie Perkins

When it comes to marriage, the above statement says alot. When you are happy in marriage it doesn't matter where you live, or what kind of house you live in, how much money you have to decorate and buy new furniture with, et al., because your house is not your home. You are going through life with someone you love and who loves you, and (as the plaque in my kitchen says) "Love is a beautiful place to live."

Now, lest I sound totally Pollyanna, let me add that, sad to say it can take years before a couple realizes this truth. But, it doesn't have to. Happiness in marriage results from going through ALL of life together, lovingly, and the resultant "Happy Spot" can be realized any time. Check this out - 10 "Things Happy Couples Do Differently"...

1.  They make plenty of time for each other.
2.  They don’t beat around the bush.
3.  They meet in the middle and work together.
4.  Their actions consistently backup their claims of love.
5.  They respect each other’s humanness.
6.  They focus on what they like about each other.
7.  There is far more between them than physical attraction.
8.  They resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.
9.  They open up to each other, especially in trying times.
10. They are committed to growing together.

The author has some good things to say about each point, and wraps up with...

"The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end.  And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way."

 So, for today go over the list of "10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently" together and discuss how you are doing in each area and what you need to do to find the "Happy Spot."

And we can't talk about becoming a happy couple without pointing out again that the happiest couples are the ones that have God central in their marriages -- which gives them a real edge on finding the "Happy Spot." (for more on this See Day 13)

Thanks!

 

Day 14: to a Great Marriage - Use Affirming Words

Congratulations! You've made it through two weeks - and only have two weeks to go on this journey toward a Great Marriage. So glad you have continued with me.

Hopefully you were able to do Day 13's suggestion -- Worship Together, and found the statistics interesting and helpful. If attending church is foreign to you and your family, at least I hope you will keep it in mind and consider the incredible benefits for your marriage, family and you personally. Church gets such a bad rap today in our post-modern culture, but there are a lot of good churches out there and I encourage you to at least give it a try.

Okay, today's suggestion for a Great Marriage is to...

DAY 14: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Use Affirming Words

We talked about the 5 Love Languages on Day 7 and that it was my privilege to interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages.

And one of the 5 Love Languages is to use affirming words. We've already instituted using good words in several of the days leading up to today, and if you are employing the suggestions you are beginning to reap the benefits -- your husband is being blessed, and he is reciprocating!

Today, we want to become more conscience of our words. Basically, using affirming words is to FOCUS on the good. We all know this is a good thing to do, but the rigors of life's challenges can find us thinking, then dwelling, then developing a negative mindset. Easy to do. 

As a matter of fact, human beings have a built-in bent toward negative thinking - check this out by Norman Wright on How to Speak Your Spouse's Language.

But! we CAN CHOOSE what we will think...and speak.

So, beginning today make a conscience effort to consciously use affirming words with your husband, and stop yourself from using non-affirming words -- nagging words; critical words, negative words, etc. -- from now on.

It's not easy, and you'll not do it perfectly, but you can dramatically change the way you speak, by consciously choosing your words. And not just with your husband, but with your kids, too. Not only will this radically change the environment in your home, but with time it will help change the way everyone in the family talks. Really.

Plus, you'll find out quickly by the responses if your husband's love language is, indeed, Words of Affirmation.

The bible tells us that there is the power of life and death in the tongue...today we start fresh by choosing life-giving words.

 

Day 8: to a Great Marriage - Carve Your Initials in a Tree

 

How did you do on Day 7 -- Cook Him Something? Robin, a young wife and mom commented, "Hooray! I actually cooked chicken noodle soup today for my sick hubby. (this is a FIRST! Sad, but true.)" I love that! And act of love that was sure to help him feel better!

Okay, for today...

DAY 8: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Carve Your Initials in a Tree

As the Dating Divas write: "What better way to start off a romantic date night, than with an evening walk, right? But what if you had prepared ahead an all natural love note for your spouse to “discover” on your walk? How romantic! Scout out the area along your walking path and find a good tree or tree stump (editor's note: not on someone else's property of course!)that you can carve you and your spouse’s initials into. Then during your walk, you can innocently discover this romantic addition! {WINK!}"

Another way to do it would be to carve the initials together....and even better on a tree in your own yard -- a constant happy memory -- and what I like to call a 'legacy picture' for your children and grandchildren to have down the road of time.

So today carve your initials in a tree. That's it!

Have fun, and I'd love to hear all about it :)

 

Day 7: to a Great Marriage - Cook Him Something!

Is it an old wives tale that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"?
I don't know. But I do know that if your husband's 'love language' is Acts of Service, cooking his favorite meal, baking his favorite cake or pie, etc., will communicate love to him.

It was my privilege to interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages.

But, before we get into that, how did you do yesterday with Day 6 -- Listen? One of the things about deliberate, active listening to our spouses is that it will give you insight into the things that they care about; the things they have a heart for; the things that make them feel loved, and that leads to today's suggestion...


DAY 7: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Cook Him Something

So, today express your love for him by cooking him something he likes to eat, even if your spouse's love language isn't Acts of Service, and even if you don't consider yourself a great cook. It can't help but bless him, because it is a tangible way that communicates you were thinking about him. It also will be a good test to see if Acts of Service is his love language.

That's it!

I also recommend the other resources at Dr. Chapman's website. It is loaded with very helpful tools such as the Apology Profile.


And please feel free to share favorite recipes with the rest of us!

Happy eating...and loving :)

Day 5: to a Great Marriage - Relax Together

You've made it to Day 5 -- Congratulatons!

Before we get to today's suggestion, how did you do with Day 4? -- Carving out time after dinner and the kids are in bed, et al., to talk about fond memories you have about the day you met, your first date, your wedding day -- reminiscing together. If you are following and employing each day's suggestions, by now you are beginning to see some of the results, both within yourself and with your husband.

It's time now to...

DAY 5: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Relax Together

That's right. Do whatever is relaxing for you, for him, together. Is it being a couch-potato for a few hours? Sitting on the patio with something to drink or snack on? Taking a walk? Whatever it is, do it, and allow for a minimum of an hour, but longer will yield even more benefits.

This is time for a pressure-free time together, even and especially in conversation. In other words, no talk about work, or finances, things that need to be done, or heavy issues - save it for tomorrow! Today, just hang out and relax. That's it!

Resist the temptation to think, say or decide that you can't afford the time. Yes you can! You have to make time. Besides, you need it. After all, God said Sunday's should be 'a day of rest.'

I'm just saying :)

 

Day 4: to a Great Marriage - Reminisce Together

It's Day 4!

How did you do with Day 3? to start having more fun together with your husband:
#1 little fun things every day;
#2 a couple of planned fun things this month.

If you haven't done it yet I want to encourage you to not skip this one. You deserve to carve out some fun time together after long days and long weeks filled with responsibilities. So, get out that calendar and plan 2 or 3 fun activities just for you and your husband to do together this month, that you both really like to do. And turn up the creative fun juices a little every day.

Okay, so now we start to use the power of reminiscing....

DAY 4: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Reminisce Together
On Day 1 you were to make a list of 31 things about your husband that made you fall in love with him in the first place, and begin to tell him one of them from your list every day. Hopefully that is starting to bear some fruit, and today's encouragement to reminisce will build on that. To reminisce means to simply recall, remember, look back, recollect.

So, beginning today, and few times a week throughout this month carve out a little time together after dinner and the kids are in bed, or when you're driving in the car together, et al., and bring up a fond memory you have about the day you met, your first date, your wedding day, your honeymoon, and then ask him what one of his fondest memories is -- and voila! you're reminiscing together.

Duane and I have been doing this for awhile, and not just about our wedding, etc., such as fun vacations; memorable Christmas trips (this is one we enjoy talking about because when the boys were little we would often make the trip from San Francisco to Los Angeles to spend Christmas with his parents. The drive in the car, though filled with lots of "how long until we're there?" were fun, and bring up fond memories for all of us.

You can also use the months or seasons, ie October; football season, to remember and reminisce about the good times of your lives together.

Adding the power of reminiscing together with your husband (as well as with the children at other times) helps relieve the effects of life's day-to-day responsibilities, stresses and tensions.

And if you need a little more convincing as to the value of doing this, look at what this study found about the stress-reducing effects of just looking at old photos!

For those who want to 'catalog' your shared memories, you can even record your memories; then in a few years, listen to them together, just another way to reminisce. We did this with the boys, and have had loads of laughs, and tears, as we've played tapes of our conversations as a family. Hearing their voices at age two and five and ten, now that they are grown, well, there's nothing else like it.

Doing today's suggestion, and the others on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage, will add fun and joy and draw your hearts closer.