Hi everyone,Nesting Place held its "31 Days" challenge, and my contribution was "31 Days to a Great Marriage," and I'd like to share it with you.

After many years (50 to be exact) of marriage my husband, Duane and I, have learned a few things about what can not only make marriage a life-long blessing, but help a husband and wife get through some of the greatest challenges, greatest adventures, greatest heartaches, and just plain life experiences we all go through, and have them work together for good. This has been the case for us, and hopefully, what we've learned can bless your marriage.

So, begin here...

Index to 31 Days to a Great Marriage, for free.





 

How 31 Days to a Great Marriage Works

How  31 Days to a Great Marriage works...

As you will note, the last post is Day 31, therefore to begin at the beginning (each day builds on the other) here is how to use this site as a resource to help your marriage become Great or Greater!


1. Start at the Index page using the tab above, which lists each Day by Title, and begin with Day 1.

2. Then follow along one day at a time.

3. Do the suggested 'activities'.

That's it!


Congratulations on being intentional on building your marriage!

P.S. In case you are wondering about who I am, here's a brief bio: I'm a wife, mother and now grandmother; I'm a radio talk show host and founder of The Center for Changing Worldviews, which works to educate on the cultural changes happening in our world that are tearing down the family, faith and our nation. I believe women have a very vital role to play in making a difference, and I love working with and encouraging women in their efforts. This site is obviously geared to strengthen marriages, which will strengthen families and ultimately nations. So enjoy and let me know what you  think.


 

Day 31: to a Great Marriage - Vow #3 'Til Death Do Us Part

Well, you made it! Day 31 is here and that means today is...

DAY 31: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #3 'Til Death Do Us Part
This final wedding vow: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward...'til death do us part.

To have (you are the one I will go through life with forever)
To hold (embrace & cling to every day of our lives)
From this day forward (beginning now) and until...
'Til Death Do Us Part

It's what we all want, right? "And they lived happily ever after." Of course, there are situations where wedding vows are broken and divorce happens. This was the case with my mother and father. Both of them came from very dysfunctional families. There was a lot of abuse that they both experienced, and they entered into their marriage both broken people. Mix that with two wars my father was part of, a very sick child (my older sister contracted encephalitis at the age of 2 and was hospitalized until her adult years), well...you get the picture.

But, real life situations like this and others, do not mean divorce is imminent. As a matter of fact, I agree with marriage expert, Jimmy Evans, author of "When Life Hurts" and "Lifelong Love Affair" at marriagetoday.com that anyone can have a marriage that gets better, no matter what life throws at them...if they will let God help them work through the pain. He says, we have to deal with pain the right way, and that left to our own devices we always deal with it in the wrong way.

Evans' insights into Untreated Wounds and Inner Vows are very good, and I believe that if my parents had had resources such as these there could have been a different outcome for them.

Marriage is the longest contractual agreement (commitment) we will ever make or have. And we can be successful in keeping it...'til death do us part'...with the right help from good, reliable sources such as I've included each day of our 31 Days to a Great Marriage together...and from God.

So, today set up a time to reaffirm your love vows to each other, in some way. You can make it a big affair, (some couples renew their vows on their anniversary), or it can be an intimate time with the two of you simply telling each other of your love for one another, again.

I hope you will use/revisit these 31 Days to a Great Marriage ideas and suggestions from 'this day forward.' If you've been with me throughout this time, you have seen the results and benefits...which can only continue to increase as you apply them to, and invest in, your marriage. If you do, I am confident that you will have a Great Marriage...that will last a lifetime.

Congratulations!

I'd love to hear from you about your journey via email @ sharon@changingworldviews.com.

Thanks for traveling on this journey with me (and Duane)  :)

 

 

Day 30: to a Great Marriage - Vow #2 For Richer for Poorer / In Sickness & in Health

Only a couple of days to go on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!

As we said yesterday on Day 29 -- we're focusing on our Wedding Vows for the last few days, and that means today is...

DAY 30: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #2 For Richer for Poorer / In Sickness & in Health

Whether you recited traditional vows at your wedding, or your own vows, the next promise expresses: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward...for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

Years of experiencial-knowledge have helped to hone the elements of traditional marriage vows, capturing the most important areas that will need a pledged commitment; which are reflected in most other wedding vows, too. And Finances and Health are two such areas.

To have (you are the one I will go through life with)
To hold (embrace & cling to in everything we go through)
From this day forward (everyday from now) including...
For Richer for Poorer / In Sickness & in Health


As we talked about on Day 22 - Agree on Finances -- Finances are at the top of the list of the causes for arguments and strain in a marriage. That's why your commitment... allegiance, fidelity, constancy, dedication, devotedness, faithfulness, loyalty, steadfastness... made on the day you said "I do," must be taken seriously when it comes to money (and health) -- throughout your marriage.

Very few have a continually easy road when it comes to finances, ie no worries about debt, paying the bills, etc. That means that finances will try both of you at some point, and to varying degrees, guaranteed. But, the more you structure your attitudes around your commitment, the smoother the ride will be.

If finances are an area of difficulty in your marriage, I suggest you go back over Day 22 and utilize the resource links listed there. Do whatever you need to do to get on the same page with your spouse in your finances; and that may include getting some professional financial help.

Sickness, prolonged, can put tremendous strain on a family and marriage. But, it can also be an opportunity to express your committed love (including attitude) in very tangible ways.

It always shocks (and grieves) me to hear of stories, for instance, of men who leave their wives when they are diagnosed with breast cancer. There's so much I could say about that, but won't, except that it makes the case that sickness tests commitment.

That's why our wedding, the whole event, leads to and centers around those few moments when we verbalize our commitment to each other before family, friends and God.... witnesses to our vows who will also be witnesses to our commitment.

So, today, individually and as a couple reflect on the above thoughts, and assess where your attitude and/or commitment may need refurbishing, (to make clean, bright, or fresh again; renovate).

And you might want to check out DaleandJena.com for their "Let's Get Real" marriage video resources and more. They even have Bible Studies for couples on really real issues.

So, that's it! See you tomorrow for Day 31!

 

Day 29: to a Great Marriage - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse

Okay only a couple of days to go on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!
And as we looked at on Day 28 -- we're going to focus on our Wedding Vows for the remaining days.

Today the focus is...

DAY 29: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse

No matter if you recited traditional vows at your wedding, or your own vows, the first promise to focus on is the one that expresses: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse.

I love the "to have and to hold" part & "from this day forward" as it relates to "for better or for worse."

To have (you are mine)
To hold (embrace, cling to)
From this day forward (beginning now and for forever)
For better or for worse (no matter what comes our way)

This is the test of commitment. Everyone can do 'for better'; but -- 'for worse'?

But, 'better or worse' is not the real focus. "I take you...to have and to hold...from this day forward," is the focus. These are the words that are the cemented foundation for all the words (vows) that follow.

It's like when I got my driver's license years ago. I decided ahead of time that every time I come to a red light I will stop. Period. That meant that I wouldn't have to decide every time I came to a red light whether I was going to stop or not. Decision already made.

It's the same with our wedding vows. Decision made ahead of time.

So, today, individually and as a couple reflect on the above, and assess whether your attitude and/or commitment needs refurbishing, (to make clean, bright, or fresh again; renovate).

As we talked about on Day 2: Check Your Feelings, if you find yourself weaker in your commitment, there's a reason or reasons. Today is the day to begin to look at them and then work on doing whatever you need to do to remedy the situation.

After all, this is part of the 'for better or for worse' vow you made. And it may take some time. That's okay! Refurbishing always takes some time...but the end result is worth it.

You might find Gary Smalley's ER4Love helpful.

Until tomorrow :)

Day 28: to a Great Marriage - Recall Your Vows

Well, here we are - the last week of this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!

How did Day 27 -- Look at Pictures Together, go? I bet you're still thinking about, or have the positive feelings about, looking at pictures together with your spouse. That's just one of the benefits :)

Today the focus is to...

DAY 28: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Recall Your Vows
Chances are good that you recited the traditional vows at your wedding, but there's also a good chance that you and your husband came up with your own vows. And for the remaining days of our 31 Days to a Great Marriage, it's time to focus on your vows you made.

Today, recall your wedding day and the vows you recited. Do you remember them? Can you say them from memory? Give it a try and then look at them (ie below) and if you wrote your own vows then find them and read them together. And let the conversation flow naturally.

Basic Traditional wedding vows:
I ___________________ take you, _______________to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, for as long as we both shall live.

This is a good day to get out the pictures and videos of your wedding day and relive it together, too :)

That's it!

See you tomorrow,

Day 27: to a Great Marriage - Look at Pictures Together

How did Day 26 -- Give Time, go? If that is your honey's Love Language, nothing communicates love to them like Quality Time.

Okay, for today the focus is...

DAY 27: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Look at Pictures Together

There's nothing like looking at pictures of the past to illicit fond memories, touch our hearts, and help us remember the positive times of our lives.

As a matter of fact, there's something called Therapeutic Photography; and research that shows that looking at pictures of puppies and kittens, for instance, can make you feel good and even work harder on the job!

So, how much more benefit to look at pictures of you and your loved ones! And looking at them together as a couple has increased benefits, and will make you feel good about your marriage, all over again!

One of the positive benefits of Facebook is that of posting pictures. I mean, think about it, what is it about it that you like? -- Finding out what your friends are up to, and looking at the pictures. Some new research claims that it can even improve your health.

As this article tells: "The (facebook) survey...found that people often use the social network to reminisce, using old photos and wall posts as a form of comfort. Looking back at older photos and wall posts was the main activity and the one that made them happiest. And Psychologist Dr. Clare Wilson, of the University of Portsmouth, who participated in the research said, 'The pictures we often post are reminders of a positive past event. When in the grip of a negative mood, it is too easy to forget how good we often feel. Our positive posts can remind us of this.'"

So, today, get out your pictures and look at them together with your spouse, especially those of your wedding and anniversary.

Now, this is what I call a real 'happy hour.' :)

That's it!

 

Day 26: to a Great Marriage - Give Time

How did Day 25 go? -- Initiate Intimacy. It definitely communicates your love in big ways.

So, today's focus is...

DAY 26: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Give Time

Just as Giving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, so does giving Quality Time communicate love to your spouse, especially if that is their main Love Language. We talked about these on Day 7, Day 14, Day 23 and Day 24, and you can hear my interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages.

For some people, those with this love language, Quality Time makes them feel most loved.

Dr. Chapman at his website writes:

"Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention. For some people, quality time is their primary love language, and if you don’t give them quality time, they will not feel loved. Is it possible that your spouse’s primary love language is quality time?

Listen for Clues

Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. One medicine does not cure all diseases. Just as one love language does not communicate emotionally to all people. If you give your spouse affirming words; If you express love by acts of service; If you touch them affectionately; and they still complain, “You don’t ever have time for me. We used to do things together. Now you are always too busy or too tired,” they are telling you that their primary love language is quality time.

 

Tips for Keeping the Love Tank Full

"I want to conclude by giving you four tips on how to have a quality conversation with your spouse:

1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.

2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”

4. Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”

Such active listening will fill the love tank of the person whose primary love language is quality time.

 
So, today Give the Gift of Time. That's it!

And I'll see you tomorrow,

 

Day 24: to a Great Marriage - Give Gifts

Hi everyone!

How did Day 23 -- Touch, go? Keep it up, because the results are nothing but good, even if doing it more is awkward at first.

Today's focus is...

DAY 24: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Give Gifts

Following on the theme of the 5 Love Languages we talked about on Day 7, Day 14 and yesterday, and you can hear my interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages....today the focus is on Giving Gifts.

For some people, those with this love language, receiving gifts makes them feel most loved.

Let's stop here for a minute and think about what we've been talking about regarding the love languages in case you haven't read the book(s). In a nut shell, for a myriad of reasons each individual 'feels' most loved by expressions of love that 'speak their love language.' It could be that his family 'spoke' that language to him; or it could be that they didn't in which case there is a deficit...which you can be a part of filling. Whatever the reason(s), what's most important is that you learn your spouse's love language and speak it to them, often.

Dr. Chapman goes into great detail on why and how it all works, and I highly recommend reading his books on the subject, or listening to his podcasts on it, or getting his DVDs.

So, today give your hubby a gift...something he would like, big or small. And include a note, "For no reason other than I love you."

Whether Receiving Gifts is his love language or not, the results can't be anything but good :)

Day 22: to a Great Marriage - Agree on Finances

I know, I know...finances, ugh! Who likes to budget? Who wants to create a budget? Or really...who likes to stay on a budget? Very few of us, right?

Oh, we may love starting off with a resolve to watch what we spend, to use wisdom rather than impulse, but like dieting, it's hard to stay with it....however, not impossible.

Therefore, since finances are the #1 thing that couples fight over...we need to include this in our 31 Days to a Great Marriage, right? right :)

But first, how did Day 21 -- Assess Where You're At go? This step is one you'll want to revisit often. Once a month would be ideal.

Okay, back to today...

DAY 22: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Agree on Finances
This may be an area that you and your husband have down pat, and you deserve kudos for that! But, maybe you are a couple that struggles, not just to pay the bills, but to discipline yourselves to stay within your means, whether you budget is written down or not.  

Over the years Duane and I have gone to seminars on budgeting; we've consulted a financial planner; we've made out our will and updated it (more on that another Day); and have even taught and written about family finances. But, here are a few resources by others that I'd like to recommend to help you in this area:

1. Dave Ramsey - lots of really good advice and resources
2. Crown Finances - established by Larry Burkett
3. Follow the Money with Jerry Robinson (I've had him on my radio show several times)
4. The SavyDuo - just found this site, looks good

So today, begin to address your finances together, utilizing the above resources if needed. It may take several months to get into agreement, because finances can be a tension-raiser, but stick with it, work toward it, using the things you've learned about communicating in respectful and loving ways.

That's it for today!

See you tomorrow.

Day 15: to a Great Marriage - Find the Happy Spot!

Well, how did you do yesterday with Day 14 -- Use Affirming Words? It is probably one of the best things you can do not just for your marriage, but for your life!

Okay, today's suggestion for a Great Marriage is to...

DAY 15: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Find the Happy Spot!

“For the two of us, home isn’t a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.” ―Stephanie Perkins

When it comes to marriage, the above statement says alot. When you are happy in marriage it doesn't matter where you live, or what kind of house you live in, how much money you have to decorate and buy new furniture with, et al., because your house is not your home. You are going through life with someone you love and who loves you, and (as the plaque in my kitchen says) "Love is a beautiful place to live."

Now, lest I sound totally Pollyanna, let me add that, sad to say it can take years before a couple realizes this truth. But, it doesn't have to. Happiness in marriage results from going through ALL of life together, lovingly, and the resultant "Happy Spot" can be realized any time. Check this out - 10 "Things Happy Couples Do Differently"...

1.  They make plenty of time for each other.
2.  They don’t beat around the bush.
3.  They meet in the middle and work together.
4.  Their actions consistently backup their claims of love.
5.  They respect each other’s humanness.
6.  They focus on what they like about each other.
7.  There is far more between them than physical attraction.
8.  They resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.
9.  They open up to each other, especially in trying times.
10. They are committed to growing together.

The author has some good things to say about each point, and wraps up with...

"The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end.  And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way."

 So, for today go over the list of "10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently" together and discuss how you are doing in each area and what you need to do to find the "Happy Spot."

And we can't talk about becoming a happy couple without pointing out again that the happiest couples are the ones that have God central in their marriages -- which gives them a real edge on finding the "Happy Spot." (for more on this See Day 13)

Thanks!

 

Day 14: to a Great Marriage - Use Affirming Words

Congratulations! You've made it through two weeks - and only have two weeks to go on this journey toward a Great Marriage. So glad you have continued with me.

Hopefully you were able to do Day 13's suggestion -- Worship Together, and found the statistics interesting and helpful. If attending church is foreign to you and your family, at least I hope you will keep it in mind and consider the incredible benefits for your marriage, family and you personally. Church gets such a bad rap today in our post-modern culture, but there are a lot of good churches out there and I encourage you to at least give it a try.

Okay, today's suggestion for a Great Marriage is to...

DAY 14: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Use Affirming Words

We talked about the 5 Love Languages on Day 7 and that it was my privilege to interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages.

And one of the 5 Love Languages is to use affirming words. We've already instituted using good words in several of the days leading up to today, and if you are employing the suggestions you are beginning to reap the benefits -- your husband is being blessed, and he is reciprocating!

Today, we want to become more conscience of our words. Basically, using affirming words is to FOCUS on the good. We all know this is a good thing to do, but the rigors of life's challenges can find us thinking, then dwelling, then developing a negative mindset. Easy to do. 

As a matter of fact, human beings have a built-in bent toward negative thinking - check this out by Norman Wright on How to Speak Your Spouse's Language.

But! we CAN CHOOSE what we will think...and speak.

So, beginning today make a conscience effort to consciously use affirming words with your husband, and stop yourself from using non-affirming words -- nagging words; critical words, negative words, etc. -- from now on.

It's not easy, and you'll not do it perfectly, but you can dramatically change the way you speak, by consciously choosing your words. And not just with your husband, but with your kids, too. Not only will this radically change the environment in your home, but with time it will help change the way everyone in the family talks. Really.

Plus, you'll find out quickly by the responses if your husband's love language is, indeed, Words of Affirmation.

The bible tells us that there is the power of life and death in the tongue...today we start fresh by choosing life-giving words.

 

Day 12: to a Great Marriage - Take the Day Off!

Well, how was Day 11 -- Date Your Mate night? Duane and I went out for dinner and a movie. He loves to go to the movies and tells me all the time, 'especially with you.' So, of course, I want to go to the movies, too :)  He goes with his buddies to catch the hard-core action films because they only exhaust my adrenaline stores!

Okay, for today...

DAY 12: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Take the Day Off!

Since today is the weekend, and hopefully you have planned a fun activity for today already from Day 10, consider today a day off from additional suggestions. Just enjoy the day!

Just like we have to let the bread rise, the paint set, the hair color do its job, today is a day for all you've done up to this point to settle, and take root. You've planted, watered, weeded, now give it a rest.

Believe it or not, this is one of the steps, if you will, on the road to a Great Marriage.

Tomorrow is an important day.

See you then,

 

Day 11: to a Great Marriage - Date Your Mate!

If you have been following along on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage adventure, especially Day 10 - and Day 9 -- Take Time for Yourself, then you are hopefully finding a new sense of the importance of 'us' time together. A regular date night is one of the things Duane and I have found to be 'just what the doctor ordered' at the end of a long week.

We were told by our doctor years ago, because of our very busy schedules and work loads, that we should be taking 10 days off for a vacation every 3 months. I remember thinking, "what? are you kidding me? who has that kind of time (or money)?" Well, we have not been able to follow those instructions, though we do try to vacation every summer and work in a few short stay-cations' a year, but, we have found weekly date nights to be some of the 'medicine' we need. :)

So, I want to encourage you to consider doing the same... 

DAY 11: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Date Your Mate!

Of course everyone's schedule is different, with kids and everything, but the first thing you and your spouse should do is decide to make Date Night a priority, and then schedule them in on your calendar each week, and then do them.

This may also require looking at your budget for babysitting money, as well as the cost of the date itself, but Date Night does not have to cost a lot of money. Again, The Happy Wives Club, have some ideas, and a great article on the 'benefits' of dating your mate at GoodNewsFl.

So, that's it! Talk with your spouse, mark your calendars, and if you can...start tonight! Friday night is our Date Night, and I'll be thinking about you...and praying that your date night will be just what the Great Physician has ordered just for you two :)

 

Day 10: To a Great Marriage - Plan Ahead for Fun!

Hi everyone!

The weekend is just around the corner - are you anticipating it...or dreading it? You may have kid's games, other family or volunteer responsibilities, a major house project, guests coming that you have to get ready for, et al.

One thing I (finally) learned was that having something fun planned for the weekend ahead of time, however big or small, pushes on my anticipation button and helps me see and deal with all the responsibilities that lie ahead with a better attitude. It is amazing how much anticipation can energize and motivate us.

As we talked about yesterday Day 9 -- Take Time for Yourself, will help re-energize you to go through not just your day, but your week and weekend with greater ease.
 
So, as simple as it is, I encourage you to...

DAY 10: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Plan Ahead for Fun!

Beginning today, plan your weekend(s) with one fun thing to do with the family, (even if it is just you and your husband), regardless of how packed the schedule may be with responsibilities.

There are loads of benefits:
-It will be a needed diversion for you and your husband.
-It will be fun!
-It will push the anticipation button for everyone.
-It will model important things to your children.
-It will add a little more 'glue' to your family.
-It will bond you and your husband closer in your parenting.

I could go on, but here's an article you might find helpful, "Taking Back the Family Weekend," that has some good things to say about making over your family weekend time to include more fun and relaxation.

And, for a few ideas of fun things to do, check out iMOM for 14 Fun Weekend Family Activities.

Deliberate planning is more than a smart thing to do :)