Day 29: to a Great Marriage - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse

Okay only a couple of days to go on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!
And as we looked at on Day 28 -- we're going to focus on our Wedding Vows for the remaining days.

Today the focus is...

DAY 29: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Vow #1 For Better or for Worse

No matter if you recited traditional vows at your wedding, or your own vows, the first promise to focus on is the one that expresses: I take you to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse.

I love the "to have and to hold" part & "from this day forward" as it relates to "for better or for worse."

To have (you are mine)
To hold (embrace, cling to)
From this day forward (beginning now and for forever)
For better or for worse (no matter what comes our way)

This is the test of commitment. Everyone can do 'for better'; but -- 'for worse'?

But, 'better or worse' is not the real focus. "I take you...to have and to hold...from this day forward," is the focus. These are the words that are the cemented foundation for all the words (vows) that follow.

It's like when I got my driver's license years ago. I decided ahead of time that every time I come to a red light I will stop. Period. That meant that I wouldn't have to decide every time I came to a red light whether I was going to stop or not. Decision already made.

It's the same with our wedding vows. Decision made ahead of time.

So, today, individually and as a couple reflect on the above, and assess whether your attitude and/or commitment needs refurbishing, (to make clean, bright, or fresh again; renovate).

As we talked about on Day 2: Check Your Feelings, if you find yourself weaker in your commitment, there's a reason or reasons. Today is the day to begin to look at them and then work on doing whatever you need to do to remedy the situation.

After all, this is part of the 'for better or for worse' vow you made. And it may take some time. That's okay! Refurbishing always takes some time...but the end result is worth it.

You might find Gary Smalley's ER4Love helpful.

Until tomorrow :)

Day 28: to a Great Marriage - Recall Your Vows

Well, here we are - the last week of this 31 Days to a Great Marriage journey!

How did Day 27 -- Look at Pictures Together, go? I bet you're still thinking about, or have the positive feelings about, looking at pictures together with your spouse. That's just one of the benefits :)

Today the focus is to...

DAY 28: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Recall Your Vows
Chances are good that you recited the traditional vows at your wedding, but there's also a good chance that you and your husband came up with your own vows. And for the remaining days of our 31 Days to a Great Marriage, it's time to focus on your vows you made.

Today, recall your wedding day and the vows you recited. Do you remember them? Can you say them from memory? Give it a try and then look at them (ie below) and if you wrote your own vows then find them and read them together. And let the conversation flow naturally.

Basic Traditional wedding vows:
I ___________________ take you, _______________to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, for as long as we both shall live.

This is a good day to get out the pictures and videos of your wedding day and relive it together, too :)

That's it!

See you tomorrow,

Day 26: to a Great Marriage - Give Time

How did Day 25 go? -- Initiate Intimacy. It definitely communicates your love in big ways.

So, today's focus is...

DAY 26: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Give Time

Just as Giving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, so does giving Quality Time communicate love to your spouse, especially if that is their main Love Language. We talked about these on Day 7, Day 14, Day 23 and Day 24, and you can hear my interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages.

For some people, those with this love language, Quality Time makes them feel most loved.

Dr. Chapman at his website writes:

"Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention. For some people, quality time is their primary love language, and if you don’t give them quality time, they will not feel loved. Is it possible that your spouse’s primary love language is quality time?

Listen for Clues

Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. One medicine does not cure all diseases. Just as one love language does not communicate emotionally to all people. If you give your spouse affirming words; If you express love by acts of service; If you touch them affectionately; and they still complain, “You don’t ever have time for me. We used to do things together. Now you are always too busy or too tired,” they are telling you that their primary love language is quality time.

 

Tips for Keeping the Love Tank Full

"I want to conclude by giving you four tips on how to have a quality conversation with your spouse:

1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.

2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”

4. Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”

Such active listening will fill the love tank of the person whose primary love language is quality time.

 
So, today Give the Gift of Time. That's it!

And I'll see you tomorrow,

 

Day 25: to a Great Marriage - Initiate Intimacy

Hi everyone!

How did Day 24 -- Give Gifts, go? Bet he was pleasantly surprised. Who doesn't like a surprise!

Okay, so today's focus is...

DAY 25: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Initiate Intimacy

One way to make your husband feel loved is to initiate intimacy. Yes, they are usually the pursuer, but they like to be pursued as well. ** It communicates in big ways, and if you are looking for new ideas, The Happy Wives Club has some.

So today (tonight), Initiate Intimacy with your husband! Just think of it as a good investment in your marriage.

That's it!

**For wives who may have some issues with sexual intimacy, you are not alone, many women do, especially if they have been violated in the past; have had a skewed idea about sex upbringing, etc. In that case here are some good resources to help you, find healing and liberty in this area with your husband. It is a gift from God to be enjoyed; and that is a vital part of having a great marriage.

1. Women & Intimacy - Dr. James Dobson
2. Intimate Issues
3. Authentic Intimacy
4. American Association of Christian Counselors

Day 24: to a Great Marriage - Give Gifts

Hi everyone!

How did Day 23 -- Touch, go? Keep it up, because the results are nothing but good, even if doing it more is awkward at first.

Today's focus is...

DAY 24: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Give Gifts

Following on the theme of the 5 Love Languages we talked about on Day 7, Day 14 and yesterday, and you can hear my interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages....today the focus is on Giving Gifts.

For some people, those with this love language, receiving gifts makes them feel most loved.

Let's stop here for a minute and think about what we've been talking about regarding the love languages in case you haven't read the book(s). In a nut shell, for a myriad of reasons each individual 'feels' most loved by expressions of love that 'speak their love language.' It could be that his family 'spoke' that language to him; or it could be that they didn't in which case there is a deficit...which you can be a part of filling. Whatever the reason(s), what's most important is that you learn your spouse's love language and speak it to them, often.

Dr. Chapman goes into great detail on why and how it all works, and I highly recommend reading his books on the subject, or listening to his podcasts on it, or getting his DVDs.

So, today give your hubby a gift...something he would like, big or small. And include a note, "For no reason other than I love you."

Whether Receiving Gifts is his love language or not, the results can't be anything but good :)

Day 20: to a Great Marriage - Pray Together

How did Day 19 -- Dream Together go? That's something I hope you never stop doing.

Okay, for today...

DAY 20: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Pray Together

As we talked about on Day 13 worshipping together is a good thing to do for your marriage, as the stats show. And as the saying goes, "Life will keep you on your toes, and on your knees!" So today's suggestion is to pray together.

There is nothing like getting to know the inner-most heart of your spouse through praying together. You learn what is of concern to him, how he intimately relates to God personally, and more. Prayer is powerful in so many ways.

If this is a new thing to you as a couple, no worries, it may take a little time to get doing it together, especially if one or both of you are 'private' personalities. But, I highly recommend to do it and keep on doing it, and it won't take long before you both are comfortable with it. Trust me on this.

Now, if your spouse does not embrace the idea, don't push it. Instead, set aside time to pray for your spouse and your marriage. And try again later.

That's it! And here are a few reasons and resources you might like to check out on making prayer a part of your marriage.

1. How do We Pray Together? Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family
2. The Five Benefits of Praying Together: Laced by Grace -- Strengthens the Bond of Marriage; Encourages Unity; Promotes Emotional Intimacy; Invites God into your Marriage; Prayer Changes Marriage.
3. What Happens When Couples Pray Together: We've Never Prayed Together Before; I Suck at Praying; What Marital Prayer is.
4. Who Me, Pray? ...with Her?: Why Bother, Where do We Start? and more.

Prayer also gets you through the storms of life.

Many couples have found benefits of praying together. Here's a picture of a young Marine praying with his bride before the wedding ceremony. It went viral on the internet, and you can read the story here.

There are stats that show that 'the couple that prays together, stays together,' and are happier, thus is part of 31 Days to a Great Marriage.

Remember, praying is not complicated, it's just talking to God.

 

Day 19: to a Great Marriage - Dream Together

Hi! 

So what did you do for Day 18 -- Do Something New? After hopefully having a fun and relaxing time together, the stage is set for today's suggestion which is to...

DAY 19: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Dream Together - If you and your husband were like Duane and I when we were first married, you loved to dream together about the future. Remember? Maybe you still do, and that's fantastic! But if you are like most couples the dreaming fades into the rigors and realities of every day life. But it doesn't have to!

Here's just a few things that dreaming together can do for a couple...

1. Just as dreaming together was part of the 'woo' in the beginning of your relationship, to find out that you had the same interests, values and goals; dreaming is part of the 'glue' that helps hold your marriage together by working together toward common goals.

2. Dreaming gives purpose to everyday life.

3. It helps you 'enter' into each other's dreams - it knits your hearts together. See more on this at Women Living Well.

4. It helps keep the 'wonder' alive in a marriage. See My Dreams, Your Dreams, Our Dreams.

5. No matter what your age, dreaming should never stop, and it is never too late to dream together again. It helps keep you and your relationship young and forward looking. Marriage in Retirement has some good things on that.

So, today...set aside time to dream together. And if you want a little help with 'how' see the Women Living Well link in #3.

That's it!

Sweet Dreams :)

 

Day 18: to a Great Marriage - Try Something New

Hi everyone,

Well, how was Day 17 -- Dress for Him? Today is the perfect day to put that suggestion into practice...it's the weekend and a good chance you'll go on your date night!

And to go along with that today's suggestion is to...

DAY 18: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Try Something New

Go somewhere to eat or do something you've not done before on date night!

Duane and I incorporated this into our date nights something like this:

One week we'll go out to dinner and a movie (something he loves to do); the next week we'll have date night at home (lots of fun and creative ideas at sites like the Dating Divas); the next week we try a restaurant we've never been to before; and the fourth week we'll do something we've never done, ie go to an outdoor concert in the wine country or visit a part of our area we've never been for night-time sight-seeing, etc.

That's it!

Mix it up! Keep it fresh! And have a great date night this weekend!

Day 15: to a Great Marriage - Find the Happy Spot!

Well, how did you do yesterday with Day 14 -- Use Affirming Words? It is probably one of the best things you can do not just for your marriage, but for your life!

Okay, today's suggestion for a Great Marriage is to...

DAY 15: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Find the Happy Spot!

“For the two of us, home isn’t a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.” ―Stephanie Perkins

When it comes to marriage, the above statement says alot. When you are happy in marriage it doesn't matter where you live, or what kind of house you live in, how much money you have to decorate and buy new furniture with, et al., because your house is not your home. You are going through life with someone you love and who loves you, and (as the plaque in my kitchen says) "Love is a beautiful place to live."

Now, lest I sound totally Pollyanna, let me add that, sad to say it can take years before a couple realizes this truth. But, it doesn't have to. Happiness in marriage results from going through ALL of life together, lovingly, and the resultant "Happy Spot" can be realized any time. Check this out - 10 "Things Happy Couples Do Differently"...

1.  They make plenty of time for each other.
2.  They don’t beat around the bush.
3.  They meet in the middle and work together.
4.  Their actions consistently backup their claims of love.
5.  They respect each other’s humanness.
6.  They focus on what they like about each other.
7.  There is far more between them than physical attraction.
8.  They resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.
9.  They open up to each other, especially in trying times.
10. They are committed to growing together.

The author has some good things to say about each point, and wraps up with...

"The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end.  And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way."

 So, for today go over the list of "10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently" together and discuss how you are doing in each area and what you need to do to find the "Happy Spot."

And we can't talk about becoming a happy couple without pointing out again that the happiest couples are the ones that have God central in their marriages -- which gives them a real edge on finding the "Happy Spot." (for more on this See Day 13)

Thanks!

 

Day 11: to a Great Marriage - Date Your Mate!

If you have been following along on this 31 Days to a Great Marriage adventure, especially Day 10 - and Day 9 -- Take Time for Yourself, then you are hopefully finding a new sense of the importance of 'us' time together. A regular date night is one of the things Duane and I have found to be 'just what the doctor ordered' at the end of a long week.

We were told by our doctor years ago, because of our very busy schedules and work loads, that we should be taking 10 days off for a vacation every 3 months. I remember thinking, "what? are you kidding me? who has that kind of time (or money)?" Well, we have not been able to follow those instructions, though we do try to vacation every summer and work in a few short stay-cations' a year, but, we have found weekly date nights to be some of the 'medicine' we need. :)

So, I want to encourage you to consider doing the same... 

DAY 11: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Date Your Mate!

Of course everyone's schedule is different, with kids and everything, but the first thing you and your spouse should do is decide to make Date Night a priority, and then schedule them in on your calendar each week, and then do them.

This may also require looking at your budget for babysitting money, as well as the cost of the date itself, but Date Night does not have to cost a lot of money. Again, The Happy Wives Club, have some ideas, and a great article on the 'benefits' of dating your mate at GoodNewsFl.

So, that's it! Talk with your spouse, mark your calendars, and if you can...start tonight! Friday night is our Date Night, and I'll be thinking about you...and praying that your date night will be just what the Great Physician has ordered just for you two :)

 

Day 8: to a Great Marriage - Carve Your Initials in a Tree

 

How did you do on Day 7 -- Cook Him Something? Robin, a young wife and mom commented, "Hooray! I actually cooked chicken noodle soup today for my sick hubby. (this is a FIRST! Sad, but true.)" I love that! And act of love that was sure to help him feel better!

Okay, for today...

DAY 8: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Carve Your Initials in a Tree

As the Dating Divas write: "What better way to start off a romantic date night, than with an evening walk, right? But what if you had prepared ahead an all natural love note for your spouse to “discover” on your walk? How romantic! Scout out the area along your walking path and find a good tree or tree stump (editor's note: not on someone else's property of course!)that you can carve you and your spouse’s initials into. Then during your walk, you can innocently discover this romantic addition! {WINK!}"

Another way to do it would be to carve the initials together....and even better on a tree in your own yard -- a constant happy memory -- and what I like to call a 'legacy picture' for your children and grandchildren to have down the road of time.

So today carve your initials in a tree. That's it!

Have fun, and I'd love to hear all about it :)

 

Day 7: to a Great Marriage - Cook Him Something!

Is it an old wives tale that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"?
I don't know. But I do know that if your husband's 'love language' is Acts of Service, cooking his favorite meal, baking his favorite cake or pie, etc., will communicate love to him.

It was my privilege to interview Dr. Gary Chapman on my radio (see 2/14/11) about his book(s) on the 5 Love Languages.

But, before we get into that, how did you do yesterday with Day 6 -- Listen? One of the things about deliberate, active listening to our spouses is that it will give you insight into the things that they care about; the things they have a heart for; the things that make them feel loved, and that leads to today's suggestion...


DAY 7: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Cook Him Something

So, today express your love for him by cooking him something he likes to eat, even if your spouse's love language isn't Acts of Service, and even if you don't consider yourself a great cook. It can't help but bless him, because it is a tangible way that communicates you were thinking about him. It also will be a good test to see if Acts of Service is his love language.

That's it!

I also recommend the other resources at Dr. Chapman's website. It is loaded with very helpful tools such as the Apology Profile.


And please feel free to share favorite recipes with the rest of us!

Happy eating...and loving :)

Day 6: to a Great Marriage - Listen

Ahhhh...the fine art of listening.

Who doesn't appreciate and love being listened to?

But, isn't it funny how we all like to be listened to, but not necessarily want to, or make an effort to, listen (really listen) to others, including our spouses?

Our culture produces not just packed and fast-paced lives, but disconnected lives. Even with all the texting, social networking, etc., communication in daily life has become surface for the most part, what I like to call the 'pass the salt and pepper' level.

Listening is truly an art. Unfortunately it has become a lost art.

But, before we get into that more, how did you do with Day 5 -- Relaxing together? If you weren't able to, that's okay, do it today. It will tie in well with today's suggestion to...

DAY 6: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Listen

I'm not going to line out the reasons we should listen to each other...they are pretty obvious. But I do want to encourage you to make a deliberate effort to listen.

Let me ask you a couple of questions:

1. How much do you really know about your spouse's work? Not just the people he works with, but details about what happened and how exactly he does what he does, etc.? Our jobs are such a HUGE part of our lives, especially for men.

Showing interest in our spouse's work on a regular basis by asking questions beyond the standard, "How was work today," to sincere, specific questions about their latest project, deal, meeting, etc. is part of what makes a great marriage. Asking and listening validates and connects.

2. How much do you know about the things he is interested in? Does he love to golf? Fish? Watch football, baseball, build with his hands, watch the stock market, etc.?

I have a girlfriend who regularly plays golf with her husband. I asked her if she liked it and she said, "It's okay. I do it because he likes me to go with him." I was so struck with her genuine love-attitude about it, that it made me think about how many times Duane has mentioned he'd love for me to go fishing with him.

So, you guessed it, I decided to do just that. The result? Not many fish on my line, at least not yet...but loads of fun times together of him teaching me how to cast a fly rod, etc....and the real joy for me? He is so happy doing it together! I mean soooo happy.

Okay, so beginning today make a deliberate, conscious effort to ask questions and then listen about your spouse's job and the things they are interested in. You are going to learn a lot more about your husband, and will find him (probably sooner than later) reciprocating with questions about your day and interests more -- and you know you want that, right? :)

Sincere listening is an endearing quality.

Maybe that's why God gave us only one mouth and two ears...hmmmmm

Day 2 to a Great Marriage - Check Your Feelings

Hi everyone!

So, before we get to today, how did you do with Day 1?

Did you make your list of 31 wonderful things about your husband that made you fall in love with him in the first place? Did you tell him one of them yesterday? And today? If not, that's okay, just start today by telling him two things.

Now, I can't ask you to do something I'm not doing along with you, so for the record, here are a few from my list about Duane:

1.       His enthusiasm for life!

2.       His big dreams

3.       His romancing me 

4.       His tenderness

5.       His handsome looks

6.       His encouragement to be/do all I was created to be
7.       His love for and loyalty to God

I'd love to read some from your list (so please feel free to post them below).

Okay, now for today...

DAY 2: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Check Your Feelings

Making yesterday's list was intended to bring up lots of good memories and with them good feelings, but it can also bring up any bad feelings you may have...for instance, resentment that has developed over the years about something(s).

This is a good thing, believe it or not!  Why? Because it shows you some of the baggage you have to unpack as you venture forth on this path to a great marriage.

And here is some simple, bottom-line information that has helped me, and others I have been privileged to able to share it with...

Feelings come from thoughts...and thoughts come from beliefs.

Whether you have a good feeling or a bad feeling, it springs from a thought (or an attitude, which is the result of many thoughts about the same thing). And when you connect the feeling to the thought and/or attitude that generated it, you can then identify the 'belief' behind it.

It is true that what we BELIEVE about something, determines what we THINK about it, and thus 'FEEL' about it.

For instance, if I believe I am unattractive (ie "since I've had the baby; or since I've gotten older; or since I've gained weight"), then I will think things such as, "I can't wear a bathing suit in public; my skin is so wrinkled; he's probably not attracted to me like this." These thoughts will then illicit bad or sad feelings.

This, of course, goes for how you feel (think & believe) about others as well.

So, beginning today, and throughout the rest of these 31 days  - Check your feelings. Now, don't overdo it - or you'll develop a paralysis of analysis! Instead, let your feelings be clues to what you really believe about yourself (which affects your marriage), and about your husband.

Write these 'clues' down; and ask God for help. He said, "The truth shall set you free." And when we are free, everything gets better.

It might look something like this...

"I'm feeling ______________ right now, and it stems from thinking about _______________________."

Then ask yourself why you think this:  

"Because when _________________________ happened I thought/it made me feel_______________________ and I began to believe____________________________.

 

Ask yourself, are those beliefs true? In other words, on the truth? If so, you probably need to forgive. If not, then you need to replace what's not true (false thoughts/attitudes/beliefs about them) with the truth.

Negative feelings merely reveal unfinished business that needs to be taken care of as suggested above. And let me just say, it's worth it.

*Please Note: For deep hurts that still exist as a result of things such as the wounding of adultery, it will take a deeper work. You can forgive, but still need healing. So, don't fear addressing deep hurts or getting some help. God wants you to be whole, and He will help you if you ask Him.

Day 1 to a Great Marriage - Make a List

Hi everyone,

How fun is this?

Nesting Place is holding its 31 Days 2013, and this is my contribution.

After many years of marriage my husband and I have learned a few things about what can not only make marriage a life-long blessing, but help a husband and wife get through some of the greatest challenges, greatest adventures, greatest heartaches, and just plain life experiences we all go through, and have them work together for good. This has been the case for Duane and I, and I'd love to share some of them with you.

So, let's begin today with...

DAY 1: TO A GREAT MARRIAGE - Start at the Beginning & Make a List

No, not a list of what needs to change - but a list of (31) wonderful things about your husband that made you fall in love with him in the first place.

And then, beginning today, and every day this month, tell him one of them from your list (either text it, call him, write a note and leave it where he drops his keys when he gets home from work, etc....be creative).

It might sound or read something like this...

Honey, just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about how much I appreciate/love _____________________about you. And I'm so glad we got married ___ years ago! xoxox Me

No matter where your marriage is now on the scale of 'great,' this will not only help you remember why you fell in love with your husband; but it will be a balm to his day, (who doesn't feel better after hearing that they are appreciated and loved?) and jog his own memories; starting you both on the path to remembering why you chose to go through life together, and recapturing that first love afresh.

Who knows where this, and the next 30 days, will lead. (wink, wink)